New Moon = Crazies

New Moon comes out today, I believe. Apparently, the new moon inspires a breed of twi-crazies to come out and drool rabidly over their impotent vampire heroes. Can you tell I'm not much of a Twi-fan? In my opinion, vampires should have fangs, but of course, to these Cullen-cunnilingus fans, my opinion means squat.

To celebrate this insanity, I've found a few ridiculous things on Etsy that speaks to the New Moon squee girl in most of you, but not me.

First up is the Team Edward Shirt:

I know there's a hoard of Twi-lunatics that would wear this every single day. I honestly feel bad for all guys named Edward, because they'll either turn out egotistical, or have an inferiority complex because they'll never live up to the hype of Edward Cullen. If you really, really want to profess your love for Edward, this shirt costs $19.98. It comes in a multitude of colors. Click here to order.

Next up is the Edward Cullen eyeshadow. Wow. Really, Twi-nuts? You don't only need contacts to get your eyes a goldeny color, you need to have it on your eyelids as well? Why don't you just roll around in a bed of gold powder so your whole body can shimmer like his eyes. Wait. Don't do it. You didn't get the idea from me.

Edward's powdery eye color will set you back a whole $5.00. If you really want it, you can click here.

If you've ever wanted to carry Edward on your shoulder (insert awes as you think of a little Edward perched like a bird), you can buy a Coach Bag with his likeness painted on it. Yeah. You Twi-manics will ruin a coach bag with this kind of scary likeness of Mr. Vampire. No offense to the Etsy Dealer, but he kind of reminds me of Frankenstein in this one:

Since it is a Coach bag, I can almost forgive the asking price of $139. Click here to order.

Last, but not least, lets get on the Team Jacob bandwagon with this rather randy light switch cover:

Man, I kind of feel sorry for this kid. Objectified at 17, with hordes of girls throwing themselves at him. Ok, maybe not. If I walked into someone's house and found this as I fumbled through the darkness, groping for the light switch, I would feel like a dirty old woman. $7.00 on etsy, click here.

Obviously, I'm not a Twi-Fan. I've read the books, I saw the first movie. I snickered through all of it. I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me. I like my life. I bring you Twi-Goodies! Noooooooooooo! Remember, Twi-Vamps do not have fangs, so really, you can't hurt me.

I'm personally holding out for the Edward Cullen sperm to hit Etsy.