This has to be one of the most amusing craigslist posts I've ever read:
best of craigslist > asheville > Re: What I want in a woman........ - 45 (Western Carolina)
Originally Posted: Thu, 21 May 13:03 EDT
Re: What I want in a woman........ - 45 (Western Carolina)
Date: 2009-05-21, 1:03PM EDT
Sorry for the late response. By now, you may actually have found someone out there who’s perfect for you. If not, I thought I’d give it a shot.
• Can go hiking in the morning, looks good in a ball cap with her hair pulled through the whole in the back and still be able to attend a formal dinner that night
Hiking I’m down with, though I never, ever wear ball caps. I’m also perfectly flexible with where I go so I can easily change from hiking to formal dinners. As a thought though, you should consider the poor girls who are only going hiking for your sake, come back with their feet covered in blisters, and are then expected to don heels and go out all night to some formal dinner. High expectations?
• Knows the difference between an offensive guard, tackle and tight end
Ha, I have no clue. Are you really going to strike out an amazing girl because she doesn’t know football terms?
• Knows the difference between the NFC and AFC
I believe those terms are football related as well. National and American football league? I had someone give me the answer so I bet I’m right. But does it count if I had to ask someone else? Or is it ok since I’m obviously trying to learn?
• Cares about what she eats but is not so hung up on her diet that she can’t enjoy hot wings, a good pig pick’in and an ice cold beer
You are disgusting. Maybe you should just date a guy. He might be really into all of that.
• Is as comfortable sitting in a dive bar on the beach as she is sitting next to me in church
Well, you sound incredibly religious…dive bars? If she’s that comfortable in church, I doubt she’ll be super comfortable in a dive bar. Personally, I wouldn’t take you up on either. I’m not religious, likely a turn-off for you, and I’d rather go somewhere other than a dive bar likely surrounded by perverts and desperate guys. (Much like yourself it sounds like).
• Enjoys working in the yard and creating something that’s nice and enjoyable
Well damn. Couldn’t this have been listed in a “likes outdoors” category? Possibly listed with hiking. Or are they that different? But hey, I might have finally gotten one right! I’m definitely a big fan of plants. I name them, that ok?
• Can find the joy in any small child
ANY small child? Even the snot-nosed brats that now roam the playgrounds, trampling everything in their paths and stealing the swings? I don’t think so. Maybe you should have left out the word “any.” I can’t believe any women could find joy in absolutely any small child unless the clock is ticking like crazy. Is that what you’re looking for? Maybe you should have specified that.
• Enjoys and exemplifies her femininity through clothes, light make up and manicured hands and pedicured toes
Man, what happened to the guys that liked the whole “natural look.” Damn you media for letting me believe that for so long. Guess I’ll have to start wearing makeup again. Total bummer. Also, I’m not sure how well that pedicure is going to hold up if she’s hiking all day. And that manicure won’t look so hot after she’s been out in the garden all day planting whatever it was you wanted. Does she also have to be feminine on the hike or just at the formal event? Ball caps don’t usually scream feminine to me but they seem to be a pre-req. Maybe a pink one would suit your fancy.
• Has cute feet
I for one do not have cute feet. Want to know why? I’ll tell you. It’s because I love hiking and running and walking around barefoot and really anything outside that gets me moving. It’s killer on the feet. You can’t have it both ways.
• Has the ability to make me feel like she has been waiting for me all day, just to walk through the door
Sounds like you want a puppy. Would you really want a woman who has no life and waits for you to come home every single day. Scene: You: “Hi honey, how was your day?” Her: “Oh, it was horrible. I waited and waited for you to come home.” You: “Well did you do anything fun today?” Her: “Of course not, I was waiting for you to come home so you could entertain me.” Repeat the following day.
• Truly loves Jesus and understands what that means
You crack me up. Also, you truly sound like you know what that means. You’re superficial and you sound completlely arrogant to be able to demand these things from someone. And what’s up with the dive bar? Did Jesus frequent dive bars? If he did, I doubt it was to pick up chicks, which is what I’m assuming you’re doing.
• Who prays earnestly
Shall I pray for you to stop making the male race look so incredibly stupid?
• Understands that sex is not a weapon that should be used to prove a point or to be withheld for any reason
Sounds like you’re bitter about an ex girlfriend. Did she withhold sex because you were an arrogant prick? Bet you deserved it.
• Understands that sex is…….. to be performed between only two people who commit their lives to one another in the sight of God!
Oh, so you’re waiting until marriage? Or does God make exceptions for you? Guess it won’t work out for us…I definitely didn’t wait. I hope God was at least entertained.
• Understands that sex……..can and should be performed in many different ways and positions. NOTHING absolutely NOTHING is taboo
You sound like you have some knowledge of this subject. See above comment. Nothing is taboo? Just wait… Oh, you meant none of your fantasies are taboo. What about all of hers? Better hope she isn’t too out there…
• Understands that men love oral sex……. Its just the way it is! She should love doing it and look for opportunities to surprise me with it
I would like to add that women do too. You have to give it to get it.
• Loves to dress up a pair of jeans with high heels (especially those little open toed ones) and a nice blouse
Anything non superficial? I’ll wear that if you wear a nice button up shirt and a pair of jeans that makes your ass look really really hot. And those shoes I like. I hope I’m allowed to ask for that…you did.
• Is beautiful inside and out
I’m guessing you actually mean hot though so I’ll give you measurements. You can decide whether or not I meet the qualifications. 5’8”, 123(ish) pounds, shoulder length brown hair, and I’m a runner so you know I’ve got great legs. I’m a size 5 jeans. My bra size is 34B. Does that cut it? Am I hot enough for you? Bet I’d make you look good. It certainly wouldn’t be the other way around.
• Puts family first…….. immediate family or extended family
Sorry, I can’t go out with you tonight, I’m meeting my mom for dinner. Nope, can’t do Friday either, I’m meeting my second cousin. Saturday is booked. I’m taking my step-cousin, once removed, to the mall, then I’m meeting up with my uncle for a movie. Maybe I can squeeze you in between my aunt Selma and my cousin Fred on Tuesday afternoon around 3. You free?
• Understands that you can’t choose your family you can only choose your friends
Also, you can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. Though in this day and age, you could. Just take them to get plastic surgery.
• Actually has close friends.
Is it ok if I put them before you on a regular basis? Or should I wait at home for you to come home twiddling my thumbs instead?
• Understands that seeing old friends is a good thing. Even if its old girlfriends ( I’m with you, not them, get over it)
Bitter much? You can see your ex girlfriends if I can hang out with all of my ex boyfriends when you aren’t around and without your knowledge.
• Likes to spoon in bed as much as she does like to sleep apart or just touch feet
So she’s open to doing whatever? Could have just said that.
• That taking a shower together is one of the greatest ways to start the day
Is this a subtle hint that you want sex in the morning or do you just really like cleanliness? It is after all next to godliness.
• Enjoys creating a new meal together. Starting on a Saturday morning going to the store and shopping for the food, preparing the food Saturday afternoon and then eating it with a glass of wine….. all day, together. No other agenda.
How am I going to stay in shape if the whole day is focused on food? This does not compute.
• Doesn’t have to know how to build things, but at least has no problem holding the other end of the board for me.
At this point, I’d happily hold the board for you and use it to slap you in the face. You down? Or can I be the one to hold the hammer and you the board?
• Won’t freak out when she comes home and I have all of the bedroom furniture in the living room and I’m repainting the walls because Home Depot had a sale on paint. Instead, she says “I’ll order a pizza and change clothes and help”. Knowing that the color may not be perfect, but who cares……its only paint!
Oh, so she gets absolutely no input into what happens in her own home. That shows that you really respect her and her input. Nice.
• Can sit around and watch a good tv show (although, good tv shows are few and far between)
If there are so few, you should probably have specified what you mean. It’s doubtful you’d agree with her choice of shows. I’d like to watch CNN and Gilmore Girls reruns. I think they’re both excellent.
• Understands that hard work should be rewarded with good pay.
I agree. Also, women should receive the same salaries men do.
• Understands that the guy digging the ditch may work “harder” than the guy in the pickup truck who is watching him, but understands that the guy in the pickup truck is the one who is taking all the risks……. Who had to estimate, bid, negotiate, plan, put fuel in the trucks, pay taxes and do all the billing just to make sure the guy in the ditch has a job.
I’m incredibly confused by this statement you arrogant prick. Yes, putting fuel in a truck is risky business. I’m sure he really appreciates the risk you’ve taken. I don’t think you could hack it at doing manual labor.
• Does not believe in socialism
I am a hardcore socialist.
• Understands that there is nothing wrong with finding ways to live “greener” and protect our environment and leave as little of a carbon footprint as possible, but who also understands that the Gov. shouldn’t shove this down my throat through regulations but achieves the goal through incentives.
So can we raise taxes to pay for these incentives? Or should we cut funding for the war to pay for these incentives? Or are you more of a cut funding for education type? Not attractive.
• Likes dogs and cats
I love animals. Can I bring all 22 of my cats when I come to visit just to prove my point?
• Likes a real fire not the gas log things
I hope you have a real fireplace and not a display kind.
• Can wear a skirt, a dress, jeans, shorts or a bathing suit….. depending on the situation. Although, she may not look perfect in any or all of them, doesn’t worry about it because I think she’s hot
I know you’d think I’m hot. But would you really be ok with any woman wearing a bathing suit. You better add in some other superficial requirements before you write that. Also, do I get to specify what you wear on any given occasion or is that entirely the man’s prerogative?
• Shaves her legs regularly
All the way up or just to the knees?
• Shaves other places regularly
I will if you’ll manscape.
• Enjoys vacationing at the beach, the mountains, or an amusement part.
I love a good roller coaster. ‘Bout time you got one thing right.
• Likes to give a slow methodical hand job right after she gets her nails done. (Hot pink, whore red, or French) are my favorite.
Only if I can use my nails the whole time. I think I’ll get them pointy. Don’t worry, they’ll still be whore red.
• Has good teeth and a great smile
Check and check. I hope you floss and don’t have coffee stains on yours.
• Can listen to country music, rock and roll, jazz or Christian or old dance music and enjoy them
Can listen to screamo, punk, metal, techno… Don’t worry, I can listen to anything. Can you?
• Who likes to work out and stay in shape
I believe this has been covered. I’ll run, you try to keep up.
• Can flirt with me from across a crowded room and no one ever know it
You won’t even know it buddy ‘cause it’s not happening. In your dreams maybe.
• Is willing and desires to sneak off after flirting for a “quickie”
Guess you don’t want a proper young lady. Also, God might not approve of such shenanigans.
• Would be willing to drive 100 miles to see an ol’ drive in movie
I’d much prefer for you to do the driving. I’ll stay behind. 100 miles between us sounds like an excellent idea.
• Doesn’t have any hang-ups about my facial hair. The winter comes, I might grow it, I might not, I might have a goatee, I might not
So I have to shave everything and you get to grow a beard? I don’t do facial hair. I’ll shave my legs if you shave your face.
• Understands that I’m going to keep my hair short….. I’m not going to color it, I’ve worked hard for the gray hair I have…. It shows experience
Can I have gray hair too or is that unacceptable for a woman?
• Can sew a button on a shirt and iron it
Iron your own clothes.
• Likes to have the door opened for her, car door, store door any door
As opposed to having it closed in our faces? Why thank you for being so considerate.
• Understands that I’m going to do everything I can to keep gas in your car. I know you can do it yourself…. But you shouldn’t have to
Sounds like I can finally get that Hummer I’ve had my eye on. Glad to hear you’ll fill it up for me.
• Knows how to give and receive a good massage
I can definitely give a good one but knows how to receive a good massage? Do I have to do more than sit there and enjoy it? Oh, I know. You want sex after.
• Would like it if I took her shopping, helped her pick out clothes for her, waited for her to try them on…..just dote on her all day long….. making her feel special
I would not feel special if trapped in a mall all day. I’d much rather be outside or at least somewhere not spending gobs of money. And I can pick out my own clothes thank you.
• Understands that her Daddy will always be her Daddy….. but I’m her man
No worries, I’m not going to fuck my daddy. I get the difference.
• Will NEVER dress in a little girl outfit for sexual purposes. Little girls are special and should never be looked upon in that way
• WILL dress for me in other ways………….
Let me just go grab my French maid’s outfit. You better have something equally alluring though.
• Still gets excited on Christmas morning
I don’t do holidays. Bummer for you I guess.
• Understands that Christmas time includes the decorations, stockings (for everyone) and a REAL tree. I don’t care how much it costs I want a real tree
Even the dog? I bet Scruffy would like a stocking. Also, I prefer fake so I don’t have to kill a tree every year.
• Understands that Christmas ornaments should have meaning. They should be made by children or be gifts.
Did you keep all of the ornaments you made in Sunday school? And can I really not hang an ornament for the sole reason of finding it pretty?
• Also understands that any ornament a child makes is PERFECT regardless of what it looks like
Damn, sounds like your clock is ticking now.
• Will leave me alone when I’m in the bathroom
Really? But I wanted to come in and watch you take a shit.
• Is not a lesbian ( I know it’s the “in” thing but NOOOOO)
No worries, you aren’t even going to get any desperate, straight girls with this kind of ad.
• Can be a biker babe for a weekend
As in wear the stretchy tight pants or bike 50 miles?
• Believes that when a person dies, they should be buried not cremated
Burials are a waste of space and bad for the environment. I’d rather just be stuck in the ground, but seeing as how that isn’t an option in this society, I’ll go for cremation. Or maybe I’ll donate my body to science.
• Truly looks forward to “date night”.
Did you truly plan “date night” or are we going out somewhere last minute in the hopes that I’ll be so appreciative that you took time out of your busy day that I’ll give you a blow job later.
• Likes to watch me work out
Can I work out too or just sit and watch?
• Understands that I’m going to drive a truck and likes it
I’ll like it if you’ll offer to help me move.
• Wants me to tell her to sit next to me in my truck
I don’t want to be told to do anything. Do you want a doormat for a girlfriend. Or maybe a puppy? I really think you should just get a dog.
• Understands that I’m going to wear boots and jeans most of the time
But I have to wear heels? That seems fair.
• Also understands that I’m multifaceted…. I own, hiking boots, casual dress up shoes, formal dress up shoes, soccer shoes, softball shoes, flip flops, walking shoes, running shoes, casual everyday shoes
You spent money on walking shoes? Can I laugh now? Yes, your shoe selections definitely shows just how multifaceted you are.
• Understands that having sex regularly is not once or twice a week
We’ll have to talk about that. Maybe we can set up some sort of a schedule. Or do you like spontaneity?
• Is not afraid of business ventures and gets excited about new business opportunities
How about the business ventures that take me out of town for the weekends with my sexy coworkers? Those sound like fun.
• Likes to renovate old houses
As long as you’re the one handling the upstairs floor with all the holes in it. I’d much rather see you fall through the ceiling.
• Would stop on the side of the road and pick up an ol wandering mutt or kitten
I move turtles, does that count? Has anyone ever posted pictures of their lost pet after you decided to pick it up off the side of the road?
• Who doesn’t use the term “get at me” when referring to calling or contacting someone
I’ve never even considered it. I just hope you don’t use the term “Git-r-done.”
• Who understands and can speak the English language.
Well, she read this far. That’s pretty good.
• Who would rather receive a card or flowers on an average day then expect them on Valentine’s Day. Anyone can give gifts on the day they are expected but its special when its not expected
I agree. Just promise not to get mad when I tell you I don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day.
• Who knows how to tend to plants and likes to plant gardens and flowers
You already said that.
• Who absolutely knows and enjoys the fact that she is the most important thing in my life…… because she will be treated as such
Please, get a hobby.
Also, I neglected to mention the first three attributes you mentioned…
1) A chef in the kitchen
2) A maid for cleaning the house
3) and a whore in the bedroom!
I’m flattered. I bet all women are. I can cook and I’m good at it but it’s a lot more fun if the guy cooks too. Otherwise, you might as well hire someone. Or maybe you could go back to your mother’s house. To the other two, do you really expect women to respond to an ad where you call her a maid? What, do you just come home from work and put your feet up and expect her to come home and clean up all of your messes? You disgust me. And I hope you aren’t still expecting sex after all of this. I hope you’re still a virgin because otherwise I feel bad for every woman who has ever made the mistake of sleeping with you.
Out of curiosity, are you God? Because really, only someone who’s completely perfect should be able to make all of these demands of a woman. And you don’t just make tons of demands…sorry, expectations, most of what you list is entirely superficial. I’ll admit to having my own list, but it includes things more like “challenges me” and “motivated,” not “looks good in a ball cap” and has “pedicured toes.”
I just want to give you some idea of what a real person might actually be like. Maybe you should rework your list accordingly. After reading this, I’ve realized that I’m the antithesis of your perfect women. I’d like to think all guys out there aren’t like you. If they are, I give up.
Good luck with the whole desperation thing. Totally not attractive.